As we head into the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, who will you have to become, to give yourself the gift of forgiveness?
For your mental and physical well-being, forgive sooner rather than later. None of us know our expiration date.
Photo courtesy of Fuzzyyol
Recently, I had a conversation with a good friend regarding something someone did to him in the past. As I listened to them relive the experience, for the fourth or fifth time in my presence, I could feel the emotions gushing in, over, and through him: anger, frustration, regret, and sorrow to name a few.
My intuition told me anger was at the top of the list.
I wondered, how long will they be able to carry this emotional baggage around with them?
Here’s a few ways to unload the emotional baggage and move on:
1 – Commit to forgive.
How long have you been holding onto these thoughts? Enough is enough! Not tomorrow nor the next day. At this very moment, commit to forgive. You’ll immediately feel a weight lifted off your shoulders.
2 – Forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget.
It’s impossible to forget what happened. Acknowledge the situation, and learn from it. Next time, hopefully you’ll be in a better position to not let it happen again.
3 – Being mad at the other person hurts nobody else except you.
What do they say? Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. We’ve all had these thoughts. As Mike Dooley says “Thoughts become things….choose the good ones.”
4 – Step into their shoes.
For a moment, take the point of view of the other side. What were they thinking? What prompted them to act this way? Was there something from the past that contributed to their behavior? In any way, did you contribute to the wrongdoing? What could you have done differently?
5 – Your storytelling is feeding the fire of resentment.
At some point, stop telling your story to everyone and move on. Otherwise, telling the story over and over will fuel the emotional fire. In the beginning, it’s good to be heard. Consider talking to a counselor to free your emotions.
6 – Turn the page.
When I was a young man, I was going through a tough time. Mom was cleaning the kitchen after serving one of her delicious dishes. “Steven, turn the page!” she shouted. The most important piece of advice I ever received. This event was a blip on the radar screen of my life. One of many chapters. Hopefully, God willing, I’ll have many more.
As Matthew West says in his song “Forgiveness”:
It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is youForgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Happy Thanksgiving.
Hello; an excellent post. People shouldn’t forget that often the most important person to forgive is yourself. You did or are doing the best you could at the time with the information you had and the talents and skills you possessed. and we do have to learn from our past. I learned from a client’s failure to pay a commission that i needed to get agreements in writing so i could present a case in court should someone else fail to pay. Also look for the positive. I got new clients from that sale and was recognized by the people at mutual of omaha for my aha moment. even got a amazon gift card that bought me some new shirts. be good to yourselves. Thanks again, max
Max, you make several important distinctions. I wanted to point out two.
1 – Forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s done. Fini. Over.
2 – You and the other person were doing the best they could at the time. The difference I would add? Even if they had enough information, based on the person who they were at that moment in time, they were doing the best they could.
At that moment in time, maybe they were dysfunctional. Incompetent. Downright unethical. That’s who they were at the time.
Happy Thanksgiving Max.
Thanks for stopping by. I enjoy your perspective.
Hello Steve,
I particularly love point 2 and 6.
When we are told that we should forgive and forget, that sounds a little absurd. How can we ever forget an experience that has caused us serious pain?
I love it when you simply say, ‘turn over the page’. We’ve got to turn that crucial page at sometime in our lives if we are ever to proceed forward. How can we move forward when we’re still frantically looking back?
Thanks for sharing Steve…do have a perfect day!
– Terungwa
Thanks Terungwa. Yes, turning the page is the first step to the new beginning.
I appreciate your comment.
Hi Steve
I have learned a lot over the years about forgiveness. Many times the person you are angry with doesn’t even know that they upset you. Sometimes they don’t even know how they destroyed your life. Even if confronted they still can’t see it as a big deal or even more infuriating they don’t remember the incident.
Forgive if it is only within your own head. They are never let off the hook, but it gives you a chance to “let it go”. It serves no one to hold on to a grudge. You may never want to trust that person again. Indifference to them is also a means of healing. You don’t have to like someone that has done you wrong, but we all need to move on. I can think of wrong doings to me and observe as a bystander without any emotional feelings, as somethings are never okay.
Forgiving is the healing of yourself, so that you can move beyond the pain, anger, etc. Holding hate destroys the health of your body and then they win!
Mary
Mary, great point. Sometimes the other person doesn’t have a clue of your feelings. Imagine that? You’re stewing over something and they’re not aware of the situation.
It’s not a good way to spend our energy. Now is it.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hey Steve,
I had to learn this lesson over 30 years ago. I had such a hard time with it that I even bought a book to help me understand why it was so important to forgive. I still have that book by the way and have let a few people borrow it over the years.
Like you said, it’s not that we’re condoning what they did but the only person you’re really hurting over time is yourself. Most of the time those people never even give you a second thought yet you holding on to all that anger and resentment prevents you from going in the direction that you should.
Holding on to those negative thoughts prevents you from living the life you deserve.
Great message as we come up on Thanksgiving and I hope your friend understands why it’s so important to forgive. Sometimes we’ll never forget but it’s certainly not worth dwelling over.
Have a great week.
~Adrienne
Adrienne, I wonder what book you read?
I think this individual needs to do some soul searching and eventually let it go.
Hi Steve,
Forgiveness has been my favourite topic and that is what attracted me to your blog. Ironically, forgiveness has come to me with GREAT difficulty, lot of efforts are involved in learning that we forgive for our own self, for our own peace of mind, for accepting that we have to move on, as you have said, so convincingly…’turn the page’! But it is really hard when we are young to understand the value of forgiveness, we learn as we mellow with age.
I appreciate the way you have compressed almost everything into this post!
Thanks, Have a great Thanksgiving!
Mellowing with age. Balroop, that is exactly what’s happened to me.
Happy Thanksgiving!
“Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”
― Gautama Buddha
This quote helped me a lot with letting things go, and forgiving. I found that forgiving has nothing to do with the other person. It’s an inside job
great post!
Akos
Thanks Akos. Glad you liked it.